News: Brown Takes Control

BBC NEWS PRESENTER

Now, our leading story. Tony Blair is officially standing down as Prime Minister and before the day is out, Gordon Brown shall be running the country. Now to our political correspondent who has been with them at Downing Street all day.

[Camera switches to Political Correspondent stood outside number 10 and 11. His tie is undone and he is slightly dancing to some music that can be heard in the distance. He, and the camera man are drunk. The camera is not steady.]

POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT

Thank you, BBC New Presenter. As you can see, it is all seriousness here. There have been Board Meetings and Party Meetings all day long, and let me tell you. Some of these MPs can really handle their booze.

[Camera starts to uncontrollably pan down Political Correspondent's body.]

POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT

As you can see, it is all seriousness here. There have been Board... hang on, did I just say that?

[Camera nods up and down, then refocusses on Political Correspondent's face]

POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT'

Right, where was I? So, today, as Britain's first gay Prime Minister is set to leave, and Britain's second one is due into power, what have they been up to?

Well it seems they have both thrown parties, and there is a split down the middle of the Labour Party as to whose to go to. I've been to both, in the name of the BBC, and I can tell you this: Blair knows how to dance, and Brown, well don't ever challenge him to shot race!

BBC NEWS PRESENTER

So, what is going to happen now?

POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT

I'd glad you asked. If you come over here... come on...

[Political Correspondent walks off but the camera which just stays where it is.]

POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT

Oi, oi! Lightweight! Over here.

[Camera swings round to see Political Correspondent stood in the road with Blair and Brown behind him.]

POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT'

This is it. This is the transfer of power. Oh, I'm so excited. And I need to pee; more about that in an hour. The historic moment has arrived:

[Gordon leans in to shake Blair's hand, but instead Blair just gives him a peck on the lips.]

POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT

And that's it. Brown is now in charge. I'm off to get more drinks. Back to you in the studio.

[The camera falls to the floor and the feet of the camera man can be seen walking into number 10.]

TV: How Clean is Your House?

Show premise

Kim and Aggie, the BBC's latest hot duo, invade the homes of people who can't, won't or simply don't care about cleaning. They criss-cross the UK providing handy tips for how to keep you house clean and tidy, and the British public gets to indulge their voyeuristic tendencies.

Beginning Snippet

VOICE OVER

This week the dust-busting duo are off to Brighton to visit the flat of Tom and Tom. The flatmates live within walking distance of the pier and the restaurants on the promenade, of which they make good use.

From the outside these friends are sociable party goers whose love for food is evident. But what about their kitchen?

AGGIE

Kim, Kim, come quick.

[KIM bounces into the kitchen.]

KIM

What is going on here?

AGGIE

I've never seen anything like this.

[AGGIE runs her finger across the surface and holds it up the the camera. Look at this, look... it's clean]

Middle Snippet

KIM

Oi, you, get in here.

TOM 1

Yes.

KIM

What is this? What is the idea of this?

TOM 1

I know, it's bad. I just let it slip for a couple of days, and then it just seemed insurmountable.

[Starts to tear up.]

TOM 2

Oh, now don't be so silly. They're here to help. Come on now.

TOM 1

[Sniffle and mumble.]

KIM

But... but... there isn't anything for us to do.

End Snippet

[KIM, AGGIE, TOM 1 and TOM 2 are in the bedroom]

AGGIE

Well, we have the lab tests back. And it's good news. The air in your house is pure. And I mean that. Nothing bad in it whatsoever.

KIM

What about the swabs you took, Aggie?

AGGIE

Nothing. Not one single bacteria.

KIM

So neither of you will need to worry about bugs and things when you entertain your lady friends.

[TOM 1 and TOM 2 look at each other.]

Episode rating

4 out of 5 – You can get some great interior design tips!

Book: Lord of the Flies

Synopsis

A group of University students travelling by private jet to the college's ski slope suddenly experience a power failure that causes their jet to crash land on a deserted desert island – killing all the adults. Left to their own devices, the band of boys set about showing that the British values of peace, honour and civilisation will overcome anything the island can throw at them.

Ralph, the 'typically' good-looking sports captain steps up to the mark, with his trusty horn; calling a meeting. Having been voted leader though the traditional democratic process of the cock-tease striptease he sets about organising the vital activities for the boys.

• Sunbathing;

• Swimming; and

• Sex.

Soon the island population is separated in two: The Fit, headed up by Ralph and his best-shag Jack Merridew; and The Fuglies*, reluctantly headed up by Piggy – a fat lad with asthma – and a mysterious lad known only as 'the boy with the mulberry coloured birthmark'.

All is fine for days, neither of the groups even acknowledging the others existence. That is until, the crashed jet's alcohol and moisturiser supplies start running low.

Can anti-wrinkle triple-action age-reversing crème be made from Piggy's fat? Is it possible to somehow ferment Bacardi though a human body? And is it true that 'the boy with the mulberry coloured birthmark' is really as hung as they say? These are the questions that The Fit want answered!

Book rating

5 out of 5 – This is a must read for everyone! It should be on the school syllabus.

*Fuglies = Fucking Uglies

TV: America's Next Top Model

Tyra Banks, the world's leading supermodel, has taken 13 young gay talented wannabe models under her wing. Now only two remain!

They were all there to win. They were all there to be: America's Next Gay Top Model.

Dramatisation

Looking the two fabulously dressed young lads up and down, Tyra thought to herself, 'God, if only I were gay and ten years younger...'. Shaking the thought form her mind, she looked down at the cards in her hand.

'Both of you have made very impressive progress in this tournament,' she said. 'Both of you take stunning photos. And both of you are just what we have been looking for. But, there can only be one, America's Next Top Gay Model.

'In my hand, I only hold only one photo. The person whose name I do not call out, must immediately return to the house, pack their belongings and leave.'

She paused for a couple of seconds. Partly to let it sink in, partly to extend what was really a half hour of filming into a hour long episode. Her mind started to wander. What would the public think if they knew that the ANTGM house, the luxury penthouse in East Hollywood had seen nothing but sex from those men.

Thankfully she had an amazing editor who, though some miracle of chopping and cutting, was able to make it seem like the boys had the sex lives of saints. No one would ever know... except her friends who bought the bootleg DVD: America's Next Top Gay Shag!

She looked up at the boys again, 'Alex, we have been very impressed with your mincing. It started out good and just improved. Miss J is ready to hand her crown over to you. And Justin, you take flawless photos and your personality is amazing. There is not one judge here who wouldn't do you. But, who do we go with? The amazing mincer, or the amazing talker?

'The winner of America's Next Top Gay Model is...'