Book: Lord of the Flies

Synopsis

A group of University students travelling by private jet to the college's ski slope suddenly experience a power failure that causes their jet to crash land on a deserted desert island – killing all the adults. Left to their own devices, the band of boys set about showing that the British values of peace, honour and civilisation will overcome anything the island can throw at them.

Ralph, the 'typically' good-looking sports captain steps up to the mark, with his trusty horn; calling a meeting. Having been voted leader though the traditional democratic process of the cock-tease striptease he sets about organising the vital activities for the boys.

• Sunbathing;

• Swimming; and

• Sex.

Soon the island population is separated in two: The Fit, headed up by Ralph and his best-shag Jack Merridew; and The Fuglies*, reluctantly headed up by Piggy – a fat lad with asthma – and a mysterious lad known only as 'the boy with the mulberry coloured birthmark'.

All is fine for days, neither of the groups even acknowledging the others existence. That is until, the crashed jet's alcohol and moisturiser supplies start running low.

Can anti-wrinkle triple-action age-reversing crème be made from Piggy's fat? Is it possible to somehow ferment Bacardi though a human body? And is it true that 'the boy with the mulberry coloured birthmark' is really as hung as they say? These are the questions that The Fit want answered!

Book rating

5 out of 5 – This is a must read for everyone! It should be on the school syllabus.

*Fuglies = Fucking Uglies

TV: America's Next Top Model

Tyra Banks, the world's leading supermodel, has taken 13 young gay talented wannabe models under her wing. Now only two remain!

They were all there to win. They were all there to be: America's Next Gay Top Model.

Dramatisation

Looking the two fabulously dressed young lads up and down, Tyra thought to herself, 'God, if only I were gay and ten years younger...'. Shaking the thought form her mind, she looked down at the cards in her hand.

'Both of you have made very impressive progress in this tournament,' she said. 'Both of you take stunning photos. And both of you are just what we have been looking for. But, there can only be one, America's Next Top Gay Model.

'In my hand, I only hold only one photo. The person whose name I do not call out, must immediately return to the house, pack their belongings and leave.'

She paused for a couple of seconds. Partly to let it sink in, partly to extend what was really a half hour of filming into a hour long episode. Her mind started to wander. What would the public think if they knew that the ANTGM house, the luxury penthouse in East Hollywood had seen nothing but sex from those men.

Thankfully she had an amazing editor who, though some miracle of chopping and cutting, was able to make it seem like the boys had the sex lives of saints. No one would ever know... except her friends who bought the bootleg DVD: America's Next Top Gay Shag!

She looked up at the boys again, 'Alex, we have been very impressed with your mincing. It started out good and just improved. Miss J is ready to hand her crown over to you. And Justin, you take flawless photos and your personality is amazing. There is not one judge here who wouldn't do you. But, who do we go with? The amazing mincer, or the amazing talker?

'The winner of America's Next Top Gay Model is...'

Book: Bridget Jones's Diary

Blurb

Bridget Jones is a thirtysomething single dyke. In her world that makes her unlovable.

With her thirty-third birthday fast approaching, she wonders whether to give up on women completely and just get some cats.

In the space of a year, Bridget has to deal with her suddenly complicated love live – does she date women's rights layer, Maria Darcy, or does she stay with Dani Cleaver?; her overly complicated urban family and a birthday party!

Book Rating

2 out of 5 – Not a bad read. Although the 'what do lesbians do for a second date?' jokes get a bit tiring.

Movie: Pirates of the Caribbean

Synopsis

Captain Jack Sparrow is a pirate, a drunk and a friend of Dorothy and he's on a mission. He's lost his Black Pearl. His special Black 'pulling' Pearl and without it how will he ever get into the pants of the lovely Mr Turner?

This movie will take you on a voyage across the seven seas and along the way you will see our dynamic duo sword fight soldiers, the undead and each other ;)

Extract from script

MR TURNER
I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

JACK
There's always time for pleasure. What's yours?

MR TURNER
That is a very forward question, for someone dressed such as you.

JACK
Would it come over better if I were naked?

MR TURNER
...

JACK (taking off his clothes)
We'll have to try it and see.

Movie rating

4 out of 5 – Good sex, but far too long.